Juice This is going to a Cromartie Party
Antonio Cromartie, that is, and he's throwing a ding-dong-dilly of a hearty party. Actually, once upon a time he threw parties, like, every weekend (to the tune of $10,000 per, according to his own confession). Here at Juice This, we're thinking, what legendary NFL party-types would've been on the guest list for those raucous events?
Joe Namath? Don Meredith? Jim McMahon? Brett Favre? Johnny Manziel?
We explore the possibilities.
IN THE BEGINNING:
Antonio Cromartie was quite the party boy when he first came into the league. By his own admission, he was spending $10,000 every weekend on partying. Well, what else are you going to do with the proceeds of a $13.5 million contract courtesy of the San Diego Chargers?
As his parties grew in legend, the profiles of the legends on the guest list expanded exponentially, so here's our fantasy-football roster of who made the cut for a hearty Cromartie Party:
Can't omit the golden boy of love. Romo's love life is legendary, punctuated by the ESPN promo in which he disses on-air talent Scott Van Pelt by brushing off any possibility of the stuffy anchor's admittance to the QB's lady-laced party in a Bristol studio. We could name off his long list of celebrity girlfriends, but that's the only thing about Romo that exceeds his list of big-game failures. Then again, maybe it caused his list of big-game failures.
If the parties were still continuing, and with Cromartie still a Jet, then the college boy building a rep as the next Broadway Joe would be atop the invite list. If his alarm goes off, that is. Now we'd invite his summer-camp roommate, A.J. McCarron, who obviously would never kiss and tell, and with a girlfriend like Katherine Webb, why would he need to be sneaking about? But of course, if Katherine Webb is there, then…
has to be too. After his fawning all over her on the air during an Alabama game broadcast, Musberger demanded that his contract be restructured to reflect a mandate that he be at any event she's at, and any hotel too.
The Big Bear earned his invite with his costumed performance at a charity fundraiser (and his gimp-less limp off the field against the Packers in the 2011 NFC Championship Game). To insult his '80's outfit would be a compliment, but let's just say it engendered thoughts of Carrie Fisher's "Surrender the Pink."
On second thought, NVM…
MAURKICE AND MIKE POUNCEY:
The center-playing twins can represent for Aaron Hernandez. Can they ever!
DENVER FRONT OFFICE:
They've been off the wagon since the playoff loss to Baltimore. Which reminds us, has anyone seen John Elway lately? Just asking…
Every football party needs a lying, cheating, underhanded, deceptive, snake-oil salesman to serve as chaperon. But enough about the assistant coaches. There are no words to describe the former Florida coach. No, really.
Roddy White, go home and kill yourself. No, wait…
By: Howard Schlossberg