Juice This: Get Your Podcasts Act Together, People

Too Many Podcasts

There are a some people out there who think I’m a good writer. I know them both well. They think I’m good enough to analyze and cast judgment on other people’s writing. On broadcasting. And analyzing. And football insights.

Plus, sports in general. Fantasy sports in particular.

So I got invited to participate in judging a contest for those who do podcasts and blogs.

And to think, I struggle with what to write week to week. Here’s what I found after devoting 172 hours, 43 minutes and 37 seconds to reviewing this stuff.

First things first: if this is what’s out there, me and my best friend should be doing the play-by-play and analysis for the Super Bowl. Or you and your best friend.

There are so many blogs and podcasts out there with geniuses (OK, allegedly) telling you who to play and when and against whom and at what position (flex, put someone at flex—does it really matter who you put at flex?), it’s hard to tell them apart because they all say the same things. I won two leagues, retired and came out of retirement a dozen years later when these blogs and podcasts got popular, never listened to a one, and won my league.


And retired.


But this isn’t about the info. It’s about the way it’s presented.

Every single podcast, every single one, starts out with as much as three minutes of horrible music. Something only played on a Sirius/XM channel no one ever heard of.

No one!

Then they ramble on for an hour, hosted by guys named “Inside Johnny,” “Slantman Slim” and my favorite, “Alley-Oop” Owens (hey, idiot, he played for the Giants and 49ers 40 years ago and earned the name because he out-jumped everyone for 50/50 balls. Yeah, he really existed—may he rest in peace).

Oh, it gets better. Here comes their sidekicks: Yippy, Yappy and Yahooey. Literally. They’ve spent the week analyzing the match-ups, memorizing the injury reports, reading and/or listening to the local media in every team’s hometowns and carefully watching Sports Center for appearances by Ron Jaworski, Antonio Pierce, Jerome Bettis and the High Priest of Fantasy, Matthew Berry—who is already doing his season 2017 projections.

Amazingly, they do all this on a computer at a local library. Starbucks threw them out months ago when they sat with their 2009 laptops and all they ordered was a plain croissant and a tall latte and sat there for hours anyway, hogging the tables on the perimeter closest to the electric outlets, causing the guys who wanted to use the Starbucks to peruse job-hunting sites to gripe to management.

Here’s what I heard on some of the podcasts I reviewed:

Endorsements from real players (OK, retired); bad music; condescension (I know more than you, dude, emphasis on dude); more bad music; guys named (not making this up) Skipper, Mad Max, Mad Dog, Uptown Tommy, Digger (gee, that’s original) and someone called Slippery Slope; 10 minutes on why to play Kyle Rudolph instead of Travis Kelce (Kelce had a bye week, you idiot); and how Aaron Rodgers is not a good play this week (or next week, or the week after that, the way the Packers are going). Yeah, smart.

I had Rodgers when last I played. He was going into Buffalo, where the Packers have never had success, against a Bills team with a decent defense. Don’t sit Rodgers, right? My No. 1 pick in the draft, right? Rodgers threw nothing but picks that week and the Packers lost. Sat him for Eli, who shredded the Redskins that week, gave me 20-plus points more than Rodgers would’ve and I won my game.

In other words, like the analysts who call the games on network TV, I am still waiting for the first of these podcast geniuses to tell me something I don’t know already.

Well, for what it’s worth, some of the podcasts had interesting graphics. Some were bold enough to even post pictures of the host and his crew. Most were 20-somethings, baseball caps on backwards, unshaven, not smiling, looking puzzled, in fact, and in need of a barber, a dentist and, after listening to them, a GED.

Yo, podcast guys, a few tips:

  • Shorten it up. When I need an hour of football hilarity, I’ll replay an old Fox pregame show with Terry Bradshaw making believe he’s smarter than Jimmy Johnson.
  • Spruce it up. Seriously, barbershop, men’s department at Macy’s and lose the Nu Yawk accent.
  • And finally, smarten up. You can probably say all that you do in 30 minutes instead of 60. And stop hogging the computers at the library.

Next week, we’ll look at Bill Belichick’s Twitter feed and why it’s a good thing to go to Vegas and L.A. No, really, it’s good.

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