Juice This: Time to Resolve for the New Year

Juice This: Resolve

We promised NFL New Year’s resolutions this week. They are coming.

But first, how come Odell Beckham would be fined for crossing the street, in a pedestrian walk zone, on a green light? But, Ezekiel Elliott would not be for stealing (or attempting to steal) from the Salvation Army bucket?

Gets me.

Or is that fake news?

Anyway, here’s the NFL’s Christmas resolutions:

  • New England Patriots: Get at least a third-round pick for Jimmy Garoppolo.
  • New York Jets: Don’t give up more than a third-round pick for Jimmy Garoppolo.
  • Buffalo Bills: Don’t get penalized more than a third-round pick for Jim Harbaugh.
  • Miami Dolphins: No more quarterbacks who formerly were wide receivers.
  • Jacksonville Jaguars: No resolution this year. Surrendered it for resolving to acquire real football players the past 27 years. OK, 21 years, in reality.
  • Indianapolis Colts: Resolve to make their own Luck. And protect him.
  • Tennessee Titans: Resolve to keep making believe they’re in playoff contention each year even though they really have no hope.
  • Houston Texans: Resolve to have Jadeveon Clowney and J.J. Watt healthy in the same year so one of them can play quarterback.
  • Kansas City Chiefs: We’ll take Brock Osweiler. No, really.
  • Denver Broncos: We’ll take Brock Osweiler back. No, really.
  • Oakland Raiders: A defensive line as good as its offensive line.
  • San Diego Chargers: Anything. We’ll resolve anything. No, really, anything.
  • New York Giants: Resolve to surrender as many interceptions as anyone wants against us as long as we win the Super Bowl. No, wait, that’s too easy.
  • Philadelphia Eagles: The Giants and only the Giants on our schedule. Forever.
  • Washington Redskins: Get Brock Osweiler. No, really.
  • Dallas Cowboys: Resolve to get to the Super Bowl. If they can get us enough tickets, that is.
  • Chicago Bears: Resolve to petition the rules committee to re-approve Stick ‘Em for receivers.
  • Green Bay Packers: Resolve to get more offensive linemen. And more offensive linemen. And more …
  • Minnesota Vikings: Who wants Adrian Peterson?
  • Detroit Lions: Whatcha’ mean no one voted for the Pro Bowl?
  • New Orleans Saints: Resolve to surrender 100 passing yards per game for someone, anyone who can make a tackle.
  • Carolina Panthers: Fairness to Cam Newton. Really!!! And a better wardrobe. Really!!!
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The playoffs! Please, the playoffs!
  • Atlanta Falcons: What are the playoffs? Oh a, resolution—clone Julio Jones.
  • Los Angeles Rams: Did we really give Fisher that contract?
  • San Francisco 49ers: Weren’t we just in the Super Bowl? Is that a New Year’s resolution?
  • Seattle Seahawks: Can we get our running backs back?
  • Arizona Cardinals: Can we get our playoff spot back? What the hell happened to us?
  • NFL: Cowboys and Patriots. The rest will take care of itself.

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