Juice This: Houses of the Holy

NFL to search purses

The NFL will not be allowing large purses into stadiums anymore. (Photo credit)

Ah, New England in summer. White shoes. Gin and Tonics. Nantucket Island. Fenway Park.

All that, plus Tim and Tom.

Tom Brady's been telling the media that he has nothing but respect for the Patriots' new quarterback acquisition. He also feels that way about Tebow. But the Patriots are likely in the market for some more receivers, too.

Not being received too kindly, though, is the NFL's new stadium ban on purses. Yeah, we said purses. If your purse is too big, it ain't getting in.

That goes for your purse too, guys.

Meanwhile, Pacman Jones and Rashard Mendenhall are back. Homeland Security is watching.

***

TIM AND TOM GO TO CHURCH

Sounds as if Tim Tebow has already made the team in New England, if you believe what's coming out of the Patriots' camp. Tom Brady is tossing around words like "respect" and "fun" when he mentions their new quarterback. Head coach Bill Belichick is equally optimistic. And owner Robert Kraft looked away from his latest hottie long enough to say he's pulling for Tebow.

Pulling for him to recover his Super Bowl ring, that is, from that dirty, rotten, no-good, thieving Russian, Vladimir Putin, whom he claims stole it, and his phone (cell phones are hot black-market items over there).

Don't worry, Bob, Tim will get them back. And you're going to need them…

…need them to call T.O. and Ochocinco! If you don't think you need them, then how come you'll be visiting Gronk in the rehab ward, Hernandez in jail(?) and Welker in church, wishing he was still in New England. Is Danny Amendola on I.R. yet?

***

PURSE PENALTY-CLUTCHING IS LEGAL

Under the radar, the NFL is becoming an airline – no carry-ons unless they fit under your seat. Or your hat. Clutch-size purses will be allowed (subject to search, of course), but anything larger just got donated at the gate to the United Way (I can see the famous-player promos already). The new policy is going to catch a lot of people unaware, as most of us were watching to see where Tebow would land while this was being announced.

Bottom line on this is to bring a lot of cash to the stadium because sneaking in food and beverage is no longer an option. But stadium prices, already ridiculous, are going to Yankee payroll levels.

***

PAC AND THE BACK

Pacman Jones, the pillar of the NFL community, is being brought in by the league to talk to rookies about the way life is in the NFL. His talk is subtitled, "Top 10 Things To Do On Parole."

The guy who should be on parole, Rashard Mendenhall, is hoping his Steelers' Super Bowl bling rubs off on the Arizona Cardinals, with whom he is expected to start. While he's in the desert, though, Homeland Security is hoping he keeps his mouth shut about his role model, Osama Bin Laden, who was his running backs coach in college.

***

COLLEGE BONUS

Oh, one last thing. Urban Meyer, who referred Tim Tebow to Bill Belichick, told his old buddies at ESPN that he regretted how things ended for him at Florida.

Don't worry, Urban, the Gator Nation will getcha' back when you play 'em in the Tangerine Bowl this year.

Yeah, you read it right here. Ohio State is not going undefeated, is not winning the national title, and is not even winning the Big Ten.

Go Northwestern!

By: Howard Schlossberg
Twitter: @HSchlossberg

Sign up for our newsletter for daily updates from The Sports Post!

Facebook By Weblizar Powered By Weblizar
More Stories