Juice This: Pointless All-Star Games and Roster Chatter

NFL Pro Bowl All-Star Games

Did you watch the Pro Bowl? The NBA All-Star Game? NHL? Did you watch MLB’s All-Star Game?

I didn’t either.

I could’ve scored in the NBA All-Star Game. Hey, Steph, toss up a lead alley-oop for me. I’m ahead of the field.

Hey Andy, hit me. I’m open. Yeah you, Dalton. You’re only here ’cause that Brady guy can’t make it, so don’t let that inflate your ego. Hit me. I’m open. No one’s guarding me. No one’s playing defense. Nobody’s hitting. No one’s here except to say, “I’m going to Disney World” because the game’s in Orlando or the only other viable alternative, “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.”

The NFL Pro Bowl, let’s face it—sucks! For the sixth straight year, the Pro Bowl TV audience declined.

They’ve tried everything. But too many stars not in the Super Bowl want out because they’re worn out after the playoffs. Or, after battling lingering injuries throughout the NFL season. Or at least the lingering injuries they said they had.

Does anybody think these guys are trying? At least the score wasn’t 49-27 this time, but even at 20-13, the energetic effort wasn’t there—the suspense, the down-to-the-last-second intrigue—anymore than it was in the NBA All-Star Game. All that defense, wow! Only four fouls called? Who committed them, the broadcast team?

The only thing of interest at the NBA All-Star Game was the completion of the Boogie Cousins trade to New Orleans.

Hey, NFL, pro leagues, name your All-Star teams. Give them a bonus for earning the honor. Have a dinner in their honor, pre-Super Bowl. But don’t bore us with their boring play about which they don’t even care, except for the contract bonus they get for being named to the game.

I don’t care who’s playing in the game, which of my favorite players from which of my favorite teams. I don’t care. You can’t make me.

I played football in college—OK, intramural. I was named to my division’s All-Star team. And I deserved it. But we didn’t have an All-Star game against the guys from the other division before the league championship game (OK, we finished third, 6-3-1, just missed a playoff spot). My school didn’t have a varsity team at the time either, so intramural was the only way.

The Pro Bowl is like kids getting trophies for participation. It’s like getting a trophy just for showing up, just for leaping out of mom and dad’s mini-van and running out there.

Players show up for games that count. Unless they’re in vacation hot spots with hotties running around looking to meet them. (Too many “hotties” have told me they show up at the beaches or hotel poolsides just to get noticed by and invited to parties by the players—and they do).

Let’s remove the week between the title games and Super Bowl. Who needs it? Let’s get to it. Pro Bowl? How about Tidy Bowl, because that’s what it feels like.

PLAYER MOVES: Johnny Manziel says he’s ready to come back. Well, we hear allegedly offensive guru Mark Trestman is looking for a quarterback—for the Toronto Argonauts, who he’s now coaching.

Brandon Marshall is a free agent. Jay Cutler, where are you? Or where are you going? Tony Romo will be a… Bronco. Blake Bortles should be backing up Jay Cutler, in Jacksonville or Chicago. Jameis Winston should never be given a microphone again—anywhere, by anyone—to talk to anyone.

Can Adrian Peterson win another Super Bowl—for Eli Manning, that is? Will Alshon Jeffery be a Patriot? Every other Bear who goes there ends up in the Super Bowl (Martellus Bennett, Shea McClellan, Mark Anderson). If you want to make the Super Bowl, play for the Bears, then sign with the Patriots.

Which means, at $24 million, Kirk Cousins is not coming to the Bears so he can end up with the Patriots and get a ring. He will, however, end up making more money than just about any other player for his career, ever.

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