In what may be my favorite news story ever, it turns out that Philadelphia Eagles cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha spent last season eating lunch alone in his car so that he could have “me time.” What the hell does that even mean? He’s not married, he doesn’t have any kids, he plays football for a living, so it’s not like he’s working 12-hour days in a coal mine or something. I really don’t see what’s occupying his time. This makes no sense.
Did he get burned on his first day of practice and never socially recover? Was he fed up with nobody being able to pronounce his name? (Note: I would not be at all surprised if tomorrow ESPN reported something along the lines of “Asomugha’s car eating stems from Andy Reid consistently calling him Nadmi”)
I could be a good investigative journalist and actually do some research to figure this out. OR, and stick with me on this one, I could just list the five other NFL players I suspect of doing the same thing. Anyone have a problem with the latter? No? Good.
5) Philip Rivers, QB, San Diego Chargers
I don’t think this one is by choice. I imagine at some point in the morning practice, Rivers lashes out at one of his teammates, forcing Norv Turner to give him a timeout in his car. Around halfway through lunch, Turner steps into the passenger seat and asks Rivers if he was sorry for what he did. When Rivers grunts out a “yes,” Turner forces him to say it like he means it, at which point he apologizes to Jeromey Clary for telling him to “put down the sandwich and actually block, fatty.”
No word yet on whether or not this practice will continue through the Mike McCoy era.
4) Alex Smith, QB, Kansas City Chiefs
I imagine the 49ers to be fairly similar to a crappy sitcom high school cafeteria. Alex Smith started the year at the cool kids table, then lost his job to Colin Kaepernick and subsequently, his spot in the popular clique. Then comes that awkward moment in every crappy 80′s movie when Smith goes up to the table looking for a seat, at which point he is told that there aren’t any left. He tries to act nonchalant, but deep down is incredibly hurt. Jim Harbaugh then knocks his tray out of his hands and shouts “NERD!” From then on, Smith eats in his car to avoid looking like a loser with nobody to sit with.
3) Ndamukong Suh, DT, Detroit Lions
I have no idea what Ndamukong Suh is like off of the field and I’m not sure I want to know. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to hear that at random points in the meal, he jumps onto the table, rips off his shirt and shouts “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!” Seriously, nothing is off of the table with this. Who wants to sit with him? The way I see it, there are only two real options: nobody wants to sit with him out of fear for their lives, or everyone wants to sit with him out of fear that they’d be beheaded if they didn’t.
2) Matt Birk, C, Baltimore Ravens
Matt Birk went to Harvard. I’m not sure there’s another player on the Ravens roster who can spell Harvard. Birk seems like the kind of guy who casually grabs a sandwich and then listens to NPR in his car. I just don’t see what he’d have to talk about with his Ravens teammates. I mean, besides football. I’d like to believe on his first day with the team, Birk mentioned something like ancient Greek philosophy, was met by an ocean of blank stares, then thought to himself, “oh, it’s gonna be one of those kinds of teams.”
1) Tim Tebow, QB, New York Jets (until further notice)
Speaking of people with nothing in common, what the hell does Tim Tebow talk about with his teammates? Does he get visibly uncomfortable when people swear? I’d like to believe he listens to teammates tell stories about their latest conquest at the club, let everyone pat them on the back and give them props, then chimes in with something along the lines of “that’s a sin, you know.” Is it too much to hope that he carries around some holy water, just in case? I don’t know if he’d get sick of them or they’d get sick of him, but I just don’t see how Tebow socializes with NFL players.