Hey Premier League fans, welcome back! Did you miss me? Well buckle up, because throughout the Premier League season—that’s right, 38 grueling weeks baby—I’ll be bringing you every thought I can muster.
You want predictions? Maybe! Reactions? Sure! Awards? Perhaps! Hot takes? Well… how about I just agree to try my best?
So let’s get to it, shall we? As always, suggestions are welcome but not always well taken. Anger is encouraged if you direct it somewhere else—I recommend a mirror, for starters. Plaudits are appreciated, just make sure they’re deserved.
Comeback of the Week: Everton
Alas, the Toffees rose to the challenge on Saturday against AFC Bournemouth. Sort of. The Cherries took the lead just after halftime and Everton didn’t have an answer until the 77th minute—in the form of Oumar Niasse. Just five minutes later, he added on.
With all that summer spending, Everton has just seven points to show for it. Prior to Niasse’s game-saving brace, the Toffees had lost their previous three. Everything reads worse from there. Four goals scored, 11 conceded. Selling Romelu Lukaku for at least £75 million and not actually replacing him. (Even Jermaine Defoe would have helped).
But at least Ronald Koeman is safe for another week, right? Fortunately for him, Burnley and Brighton are next. Then again, both of those are far from guarantees at this point.
Shock of the Week: Huddersfield Town
Look, I understand that you’re tired of this shtick. Some people simply don’t like fun, I get it. We can’t all be good decision-makers.
Now I know Huddersfield Town isn’t going to finish top-half in the Premier League. But for now, they’ve lost just one match from six. And they’ve done so despite scoring just five times. That’s because they’ve only conceded thrice, notably because of two scoreless draws. Perhaps it’s not pretty, but the Terriers are getting results. And until they stop getting results, they’re going to win this award.
Sure it started as a joke, but who else should feature? West Ham for actually showing some fight? Arsenal or Tottenham for defeating clubs they should be beating? Everton for winning a match? Well, maybe…
But seriously, it’s been a long 45 years for Huddersfield. They deserve this fictional award each and every week until proven otherwise.
Individual Performance of the Week: Leroy Sané
Leroy Sané is disgusting. Manchester City is disgusting. Crystal Palace is repulsive.
Leroy Sané is just another star on a club full of them. He’s doing it all, and Palace just happened to be his latest victim. One more goal and two assists gives him three scores on the season (three other Citizens already have more). Not to mention, his first two assists of the campaign (three other Citizens already have more).
Who gives a damn if their last two matches were against Watford and Palace? You can only take down who’s in front of you. City isn’t just doing that, though. No. Instead, they’re running right through them.
Will Chelsea be able to slow them down?
Honorable Mention: Wait, wasn’t Álvaro Morata supposed to struggle in the Premier League? Six goals from six. That makes him joint-top scorer with Sergio Agüero and the aforementioned Lukaku.
Whopper of the Week: Crystal Palace
It’s over. Call it now. Sam Allardyce ain’t walking through that door. Just shut it down and save us all the time. Save their fans from further sadness and embarrassment. For the love of Roy Hodgson—and it’s not even his fault—this is just a disaster.
Palace did show some promising signs in their 0-1 defeat to Southampton last time out. But a 5-0 thrashing has a way of making everybody quickly forget. They’ve got zero (0) points from a possible 18. Even worse, they’ve yet to score a goal. But they sure are conceding, with 13 on the ledger so far. Only West Ham can match that. But don’t worry, they visit Old Trafford next.
Honorable Mention: Serge Aurier. My man, what are you doing making this challenge while already on a yellow card?
Match of the Week: Leicester City vs. Liverpool
If you wanted a match with horrendous defending, then Leicester/Liverpool was for you. Once again, Mohamed Salah came to play. Wait, wasn’t he supposed to struggle too? Somebody needs to print out all of these narratives and give them to me. Submit them in the comments if you must. I just need to know who’s supposed to suck and who’s a fraud every week.
But until Liverpool address their defense—will they ever?—I cannot take them as a serious threat over a full season. Again, Jürgen Klopp’s direct style can be fun. It can be downright exhilarating. It will produce goals aplenty. But it fades to nothing once the legs start to tire. Liverpool isn’t going to score 3-4 times every match. And if not for a missed penalty from Jamie Vardy, the Reds may have only drawn this one.
At least it’s good to have Philippe Coutinho back. However long that’s the case remains to be seen, of course.
Gimme those hot takes: We’re going to see three 30-goal scorers this season. Come on, forwards, let me have it!