Hey Premier League fans, welcome back! Did you miss me? Well buckle up, because throughout the Premier League seasona��that’s right, 38 grueling weeks babya��I’ll be bringing you every thought I can muster.
You want predictions? Maybe! Reactions? Sure! Awards? Perhaps! Hot takes? Well… how about I just agree to try my best?
So let’s get to it, shall we? As always, suggestions are welcome but not always well taken. Anger is encouraged if you direct it somewhere elsea��I recommend a mirror, for starters. Plaudits are appreciated, just make sure they’re deserved.
Comeback of the Week: Arsenal
This will probably be the first and only time Arsenal is going to be featured in this section. I figured that since they’re already accustomed to token awards, they’d feel right at home here. But seriously, we might just call this the ‘Arsenal Award’ from here on out. Is that too on the nose? Not enough? Either way, we’ve seen this movie before.
I mean come ona��they’re down a goal at home and we’ve eclipsed the 80-minute mark. Only one outcome is realistic here. An equalizer, then before you can blink we have a winner. Alexandre Lacazette may have made an immediate impact for the Gunners on his PL debut, but when it comes to closing the deal there’s only one Olivier Giroud.
Oh, they also pulled this off without most of their defense, not to mention ArsA?ne Wenger playing players in positions that would make JA?rgen Klinsmann blush. Well played.
Shock of the Week: Huddersfield Town
How y’all liking the show so far? Didn’t like the Arsenal bit? Don’t worry, I’m working on some stuff.
*taps mic again*
Here’s one people haven’t made yet… wait for it… one more moment, and… Fraud de Boer, am I right?
Look, okay? I get it. It’s only one match. This is wholly understood by yours truly. We all have bad days. Sure it’s not the same as losing to a team that hasn’t been part of England’s top flight for 45 years by a scoreline of 0-3a��at home, no lessa��but all of us have bad days. You hear me?
It’s just that, for Frauda��I’m sorry, Frank; I don’t know why I keep saying thata��it’s especially embarrassing.
On the flip side, all the credit in the world goes to Huddersfield. These are the starts clubs long fora��particularly clubs who are going to have a tougher time staying afloat than most. Huddersfield is one of those clubs, and they’re off to a dream start. Now they’ve got their fellow promoted club Newcastle visiting them next week. David Wagner’s men could be on to something special here.*
*Or they’re the next Aston Villa; who knows?**
**They’re not, I promise.
Individual Performance of the Week: Kyle Walker-Peters
He wasn’t the best player on the pitch during Tottenham’s 0-2 victory over Newcastle Sunday morning. That would be Christian Eriksen. He wasn’t even the most influential. That would also be Christian Eriksen (or Dele, if you’re feeling cheeky).
But Kyle Walker-Peters just turned 20 years old in April. And prior to Sunday, he had zero Premier League experience. None. Yet there he was looking comfortable on the ball and holding his own in defense on a line that ultimately claimed a clean sheet. Newcastle did find most of their success down KWP’s side on the counter, but when he was called upon there was little to fear as the match progressed.
Plus, Eric Dier and Mousa DembA�lA� were working their (redacted) behinds off for him. Walker-Peters more than held his own in his PL debut, and he’s almost certainly getting this nod for sentimental reasons. But it’s only matchweek 1; I think we can let this slide. Plus, he named Man of the Match!
Oh me, mea��I’ve got one! Enjoy this moment, kid. It’s about to get considerably tougher.
Whopper of the Week: Chelsea
Nothing like setting out to defend your title and having two players sent off, right fellas?*
*It was the first weekend for officials too, okay? Gotta cut ’em some slack. Nobody’s perfect and all that**
**Oh, their arguable incompetence may have helped decide the match? Joke’s on youa��I could just as easily be talking about Chelsea and you’d never know.
But seriously folks…
A?lvaro Morata looked good! That’s something. Perhaps he should’ve started the match, I don’t know. And hey, Chelsea didn’t have their best squad available to take on Sean ‘Hearst Helmsley’ Dyche’s Burnley squad on Saturday. They were very banged up. Now they get to take on 2016-17 runners-up Tottenham Hotspur without Gary Cahill as well as Cesc FA�bregas. How angry is Antonio Conte going to be this week?
Oh and don’t go thinking you’re off the hook here, Burnley. Chelsea were down to 9 men; it shouldn’t have gotten that close. Still, helluva job.
Match of the Week: Watford vs. Liverpool
Because when it comes to defending in a�?the best league in the worlda�?, who needs it, right?
Have we figured out JA?rgen Klopp yet? Please tell me we have. Does the Liverpool board know what they’re doing? That doesn’t appear to be the case.
Look, Klopp is more or less okay. He’s always going to make an attack look fun. You give him some playmakers, and you’ll see plenty of goals. But it’s the defense that’s become and has remained his overwhelming issue. That was ultimately the issue with his Dortmund squads, and it’s the issue with his Liverpool squad now. He simply doesn’t adapt. That’s becomes a problem in any profession, let alone the Premier League.
Klopp doesn’t know how to coach a defense. Liverpool’s board doesn’t appear to be willing to invest in one. You don’t need me to tell you how problematic of a combination that is. You don’t need me to tell you how long of a season this could end up being for the Reds.
Which is to say, they’re obviously beating Arsenal and Manchester City in consecutive fixtures in just a couple of weeks. That’s nailed on. Oh, you think that take is hot?
Gimme Those Hot Takes: Romelu Lukaku is going to score 43 Premier League goals this season.* Fight me at your own risk.**
*Depending on the outcome, I actually meant the inverse, you stupid idiots.
**I’d rather you not.
Everyone excited about the Premier League being back? What were your thoughts on matchweek 1? Sound off below!