With all the supposed fake news going around, we felt The Juice should—uh—tackle the problem with a crack team of reporters and analysts who are the defiant antithesis of fake news. (No, not Trump’s communications staff).
Good evening, and welcome to DO-I-ZEE-AN-ND’s special report on fake news. I am your host, PamelaBrownLemonAcostaTapperBlitzerBurnettSciuttoStarr, or PLATBBBSS for short.
Brown: Good evening, and welcome to tonight’s special on cheating.
Lemon: I thought it was about “fake news.”
Tapper: That’s cheating, LemonHead.
Lemon: Don’t call me LemonHead.
Tapper: Whatever you say, LemonDrop.
Brown: Gentlemen, can we stick to the topic, please?
Burnett: I’m on it, let’s go.
Starr: On what? There’s serious reporting here, going to the heart of our patriotic democracy.
Tapper: Oh, haven’t we covered the Patriots enough?
Brown: OK, back to business please. We are getting off track.
Blitzer: So were the Patriots. How come they keep cheating and keep winning?
Sciutto: I told you, Patriots, Trump, we got something here. Cheaters who keep winning.
Lemon: I know. To think, you can under-inflate a football a sixteenth of an ounce and get fined and suspended but still be allowed to win.
Tapper: Yeah, the way it was covered, you’d think it was more like 3 million ounces.
Burnett: You mean votes, Jake, votes.
Brown: There were fake votes?
Tapper: No, just fake news about fake votes.
Lemon: Right, like the Patriots faking stuff, like how their balls are inflated more than their heads. Or how their video assistants were making a documentary. Or even how their snow-plow guy was doing his prison-release job, as specifically instructed.
Blitzer: Well, are we going to conclude that the Patriots are better cheaters, liars and fake-news propagators than we are? We can’t have some poster-boy quarterback and would-be, glamour-boy owner be better at faking things than we are.
Brown: Well, his wife said he was faking it.
Tapper: wait a minute—Brady, Mr. Golden Boy, was faking it with a super-model? Who does he think he is, Justin Verlander?
Lemon: Wait a minute—Verlander is faking it with Upton? Now I really believe in fake news.
Brown: Gentlemen, and lady—can we please get back to the topic? Wolf, this is the Situation Room after all, isn’t it?
Blitzer: And it sounds like we’ve got a situation here, boys and girls. Verlander and Brady faking it with super models. Now that’s a situation.
Brown: I thought that’s what we were supposed to be talking about—faking it.
LemonAcostaTapperBlitzerBurnettSciuttoStarr: We are!!!
Brown: In that case, our next guest, now joining the panel, Monica Lewinsky.
Lemon: Who does he play for?
Burnett: Play with, not for!!! And it’s she, she’s a she, the queen of fake.
Brown: She’s no Kate Upton.
Tapper: That’s the first not-fake thing we’ve said tonight.
W. Kamau Bell: Everyone’s a comedian.
Tapper: This is what I call a real joint session.
A SIBLEY RIVALRY: Check it out. Cool art. By a cool artist. Some about athletes. Some for athletes. All good.