We promised NFL New Year’s resolutions this week. They are coming.
But first, how come Odell Beckham would be fined for crossing the street, in a pedestrian walk zone, on a green light? But, Ezekiel Elliott would not be for stealing (or attempting to steal) from the Salvation Army bucket?
Or is that fake news?
Anyway, here’s the NFL’s Christmas resolutions:
- New England Patriots: Get at least a third-round pick for Jimmy Garoppolo.
- New York Jets: Don’t give up more than a third-round pick for Jimmy Garoppolo.
- Buffalo Bills: Don’t get penalized more than a third-round pick for Jim Harbaugh.
- Miami Dolphins: No more quarterbacks who formerly were wide receivers.
- Jacksonville Jaguars: No resolution this year. Surrendered it for resolving to acquire real football players the past 27 years. OK, 21 years, in reality.
- Indianapolis Colts: Resolve to make their own Luck. And protect him.
- Tennessee Titans: Resolve to keep making believe they’re in playoff contention each year even though they really have no hope.
- Houston Texans: Resolve to have Jadeveon Clowney and J.J. Watt healthy in the same year so one of them can play quarterback.
- Kansas City Chiefs: We’ll take Brock Osweiler. No, really.
- Denver Broncos: We’ll take Brock Osweiler back. No, really.
- Oakland Raiders: A defensive line as good as its offensive line.
- San Diego Chargers: Anything. We’ll resolve anything. No, really, anything.
- New York Giants: Resolve to surrender as many interceptions as anyone wants against us as long as we win the Super Bowl. No, wait, that’s too easy.
- Philadelphia Eagles: The Giants and only the Giants on our schedule. Forever.
- Washington Redskins: Get Brock Osweiler. No, really.
- Dallas Cowboys: Resolve to get to the Super Bowl. If they can get us enough tickets, that is.
- Chicago Bears: Resolve to petition the rules committee to re-approve Stick ‘Em for receivers.
- Green Bay Packers: Resolve to get more offensive linemen. And more offensive linemen. And more …
- Minnesota Vikings: Who wants Adrian Peterson?
- Detroit Lions: Whatcha’ mean no one voted for the Pro Bowl?
- New Orleans Saints: Resolve to surrender 100 passing yards per game for someone, anyone who can make a tackle.
- Carolina Panthers: Fairness to Cam Newton. Really!!! And a better wardrobe. Really!!!
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The playoffs! Please, the playoffs!
- Atlanta Falcons: What are the playoffs? Oh a, resolution—clone Julio Jones.
- Los Angeles Rams: Did we really give Fisher that contract?
- San Francisco 49ers: Weren’t we just in the Super Bowl? Is that a New Year’s resolution?
- Seattle Seahawks: Can we get our running backs back?
- Arizona Cardinals: Can we get our playoff spot back? What the hell happened to us?
- NFL: Cowboys and Patriots. The rest will take care of itself.